Friday, January 28, 2005


Every day I bemoan the fact that I am too fat and probably always will be. I am sure that 95% of the female US population feels the same. Week after week we are bombarded by the inception of new and improved diets. Every magazine we see or read has gigantic headlines on the cover proclaiming: ALL YOU CAN EAT DIET!! Or, GET A FLAT STOMACH FROM EATING GRAPES or, FIVE FOODS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! The real truth is that right under those articles are listed, 20 BEST DESSERTS YOU CAN MAKE IN MINUTES! How do they expect us to diet when they fill the rest of the magazine with enticing and mouth watering photos of foods and desserts that will never look like that unless you learn secrets of the food stylists, like substituting mashed potatoes for the ice cream, something most of us may already be doing, or more likely supplementing the ice cream with the potatoes.
Every week a new diet guru emerges from the ether that is TV and we watch and read about them on the internet, and buy their books and supplements only to find days later that any food, when eaten often enough, makes us nauseous. Thus defeated, we put all the stuff in the back of the closet where we hope no one will notice the fortunes we have squandered and the change that has not occurred to our physiques.
In that vein, and because I am jobless and need to become famous somehow, I have written my own diet to talk about, share with your friends, and get me on Oprah.
As always, I recommend that you do not start any diet without the consultation of your best friend and if you must, a physician who will pooh-pooh just about everything.

(Reg trademark) A subsidiary of the Que Sera Cooking School and Cookbooks which I will be writing any day now.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and we recommend that you eat heartily.
12 oz. barbeque Fritos
½ of raspberry yogurt (everyone knows that there is only so much you can take of yogurt)

At lunch you should take it easy lest you fall asleep over the cost overrun sheets you will be working on. (Supply your own most boring task of the afternoon here if you are not an actuary)
Pumpkin seeds, as much as you need

Live fish, any kind and Vodka, Russian

Banana Smoothie (it turns out that bananas may soon be extinct due to a fungus destroying the fruit. As of yesterday, Africa and Egypt were both victims)

Lime Rickey (I leave it to you to figure it out)
Avocado dip, enough to cover your forearm
Anything green

2 Bowls of Cereal- your choice. Jst watch it with the milk, pal.

Pumpkin seeds all day. Who knew that the prize for guessing the weight of a gargantuan pumpkin would BE the pumpkin?

Bob Dylan Day; if it’s good enough for Bob, its good enough for us.
Brown rice
A dirty hot dog (non-kosher specific)

Bacon, up to a pound, after that, you’re just gross.
5 or6 Beignettes

Calamari & Fries – Whatever size they bring. You know you can’t make this at home and have it be good, besides, it stinks up the kitchen for days.

Cantaloupe- you need something to damp down all that fat. You were expecting me to make some bad Fry-day pun, and I refuse to be tricked into something like that.

Leftover cantaloupe Oh please, you didn’t eat that much.

Cereal, small box
Throw away other half of raspberry yoghurt; it’s got to be disgusting by now.

Champagne cocktails
Liverwurst pate’ canap├ęs
Mongoose if you can find it, otherwise, tuna salad.

Start the menu again. You will be eating the same foods, only on different days thus confusing your stomach if not your metabolism entirely.

Bon Appetit!

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