Friday, January 28, 2005


Every day I bemoan the fact that I am too fat and probably always will be. I am sure that 95% of the female US population feels the same. Week after week we are bombarded by the inception of new and improved diets. Every magazine we see or read has gigantic headlines on the cover proclaiming: ALL YOU CAN EAT DIET!! Or, GET A FLAT STOMACH FROM EATING GRAPES or, FIVE FOODS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! The real truth is that right under those articles are listed, 20 BEST DESSERTS YOU CAN MAKE IN MINUTES! How do they expect us to diet when they fill the rest of the magazine with enticing and mouth watering photos of foods and desserts that will never look like that unless you learn secrets of the food stylists, like substituting mashed potatoes for the ice cream, something most of us may already be doing, or more likely supplementing the ice cream with the potatoes.
Every week a new diet guru emerges from the ether that is TV and we watch and read about them on the internet, and buy their books and supplements only to find days later that any food, when eaten often enough, makes us nauseous. Thus defeated, we put all the stuff in the back of the closet where we hope no one will notice the fortunes we have squandered and the change that has not occurred to our physiques.
In that vein, and because I am jobless and need to become famous somehow, I have written my own diet to talk about, share with your friends, and get me on Oprah.
As always, I recommend that you do not start any diet without the consultation of your best friend and if you must, a physician who will pooh-pooh just about everything.

(Reg trademark) A subsidiary of the Que Sera Cooking School and Cookbooks which I will be writing any day now.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and we recommend that you eat heartily.
12 oz. barbeque Fritos
½ of raspberry yogurt (everyone knows that there is only so much you can take of yogurt)

At lunch you should take it easy lest you fall asleep over the cost overrun sheets you will be working on. (Supply your own most boring task of the afternoon here if you are not an actuary)
Pumpkin seeds, as much as you need

Live fish, any kind and Vodka, Russian

Banana Smoothie (it turns out that bananas may soon be extinct due to a fungus destroying the fruit. As of yesterday, Africa and Egypt were both victims)

Lime Rickey (I leave it to you to figure it out)
Avocado dip, enough to cover your forearm
Anything green

2 Bowls of Cereal- your choice. Jst watch it with the milk, pal.

Pumpkin seeds all day. Who knew that the prize for guessing the weight of a gargantuan pumpkin would BE the pumpkin?

Bob Dylan Day; if it’s good enough for Bob, its good enough for us.
Brown rice
A dirty hot dog (non-kosher specific)

Bacon, up to a pound, after that, you’re just gross.
5 or6 Beignettes

Calamari & Fries – Whatever size they bring. You know you can’t make this at home and have it be good, besides, it stinks up the kitchen for days.

Cantaloupe- you need something to damp down all that fat. You were expecting me to make some bad Fry-day pun, and I refuse to be tricked into something like that.

Leftover cantaloupe Oh please, you didn’t eat that much.

Cereal, small box
Throw away other half of raspberry yoghurt; it’s got to be disgusting by now.

Champagne cocktails
Liverwurst pate’ canap├ęs
Mongoose if you can find it, otherwise, tuna salad.

Start the menu again. You will be eating the same foods, only on different days thus confusing your stomach if not your metabolism entirely.

Bon Appetit!

Nice weather we are having. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Ms. Fixit

My Side of the Circle
Last night I pried Jeffrey off of the computer to help me with the dish washer. He came downstairs and acknowledged the fact that the machine was retaining water like a kiddie pool in a lake, and went to search for the manual. The machine came with the house and although it is painted to match the other appliances, the apron fell off one day revealing its true age- it is harvest gold underneath. Translation: my dishwasher is a venerable appliance without the flamboyance of actual efficiency. Another point of interest is that while I am not much better than the machine at doing the dishes, it at least can tolerate water hot enough to sterilize the remaining particles.
Failing to find the manual in the file labeled manuals, J went to his fallback position; the computer, thereby putting me back where I was when I first noticed the problem.
While I waited, I started bailing, and then on a whim I simply lifted off the spinning water part and the screen below it. The screen was clogged with something resembling food scraps, but in a more mold- like form resembling brown tofu. I decided that this could be at least part of the problem, and scrubbed it off. At that point Jeff enters the kitchen and looking over my shoulder announces “screen clogged”.
“Thank you” I answered, shoving my sleeves and glasses up again. I decided to run the machine to see if it would drain by itself but it did not. It may be broken, or the drain may be clogged. I may need a new dish washer. I’ll find out later when it’s too late to call a repair man.

In the meantime, my toilet seat broke. I never had a seat break on the side like that. There was a small warning creak, and then a firm crunch. Since seats cost only ten dollars, I bought a new one. It had been sub-zero out for several days but today it had risen to the low thirties, and I went to the Despot, had nice conversations with two men in line and came home. Somehow, chivalry lives on only at the Home Despot. I noticed that the seat has a seven year warranty but that the warranty is printed on the box. Either I am going to have to save at least half of this box for seven years, or figure that it’s cheap enough to take that gamble. The only problem is a funny squinching noise that happened on the right side as I screwed the seat in place. I think it’s fixed, but I’m waiting for a second opinion

Finally some headway!

Okay, I know that at this point I am still talking to myself, but that's what's gotta happen till I figure this thing out.

First of all....

I just want to see if this works. I have a lot to say, and I make some good points, but I have to make sure that they are visible.